Nakeru Basho: A place for the closet fan

The life of a closet idol fan is a tough one.

Both open and secret fans can find it hard to juggle real life and the 'idol' life, with busy work/study schedules sometimes preventing us from spending time keeping up to date with happenings in the idol world. But from experience I personally think finding the balance of real and idol is harder for the closet fans. I'm not saying that people who are open about being a fan have less of a life or an easier work schedule than those who aren't, I'm driving more at the idea that for people like me it's hard to account for time spent in the idol world when people ask what you've been doing. I live with a group of friends, so disappearing for an hour or so is usually noticed and when I'm asked about it I feel the need to lie. At least an open fan can be honest. It's a similar problem when it comes to listening to idol music. My music taste outside of idol music and around my friends is hugely different, I love drum and bass, indie and even a bit of metal. So I'm sure if my house mates heard a cutesy idol song blaring out of my room there'd be questions.

With all of this said, my degree is East Asian studies with non-specialist Japanese language, so it's no secret that I have an interest in Japan and the Japanese language. And while I've always been open about this, I've always and still continue to hide the extent to which I involve myself with some aspects of Japanese culture. Of course when I say this I'm thinking specifically about my inability to be honest about my, quite honestly, obsession with idols. I've been religiously following various idol groups since I was about 15. Listening to all the songs, watching all the videos, copying all the looks and spending hours just reading forums, but always in secret. I think it's safe to say that after all these years, despite all the denial, this hobby has actually become a part of me. It has this grip on me that, try as hard as I might, I can't shake. Which makes me wonder, with something being so influential in my life, why don't I just admit to others that I like idols? Wouldn't it just make things so much easier?

While I'm sure it'd just be easier to admit I like idol culture, I can't bring myself to do it. For me there's a few issues surrounding the inability to come out as a fan. Firstly being a straight girl who's interested in females who dance around in bikinis is a difficult topic. Most people would assume I'm actually gay, whether or not I'm gay is irrelevant, it's just a bit of an awkward conversation to have. Explaining in detail why I like idols is not my strong point as I'm not hugely sure myself. However I think the reluctance to be honest comes mainly from seeing how people who like products of Japan, like anime and manga are viewed by others. The fear of being grouped into that stereotype, as one of these convention going, Japanese wannabe, cosplaying geeks is what stops me from coming clean.

So what if others see you like that? It doesn't mean you are right? Who cares what others think? Well I do. I care a lot, maybe too much. If you ever met me I'm sure you'd be able to tell straight away. I take care of my appearance and make every effort I can to create a positive image of myself in other's minds. I hate being judged, and I feel that being open about being a fan will cause others to look down on me. For me it's all about keeping up appearances, the me that is an idol fan is different from the me in the real world.

So for me, as things are now, the positives of being an open fan don't outweigh the negatives. Which brings me to the point of this all. The life of a closet fan is a hard and lonely one. I have nobody in real life to talk to about idol stuff and I'm a slow thinker so I can't really coherently express myself on forums the way I would like at times. So I decided to start this Nakeru Basho blog to help me vent and post my musings.

So make sure to watch this space from now on!